There is a word out there that still seems to be generally socially acceptable to use, but deeply offends me, and quite honestly, it has even before I had Autistic children. I know I used it as a child, just like I used "gay" in a pejorative way, not understanding the true damage that my words were doing. Sticks and stones and all of that. But while the use of "gay" or "queer" has fallen out of fashion as a term used to describe something other than a person who is, in fact, gay or queer, the Big R is still being thrown around with reckless abandon among young and old alike.
I have heard it among those of my parents generation, and I'm sure that they are using it in exactly the way that cuts me to my core. It means something, is bad, something is stupid, something is appalling. Out of a respect for my elders, I keep my mouth shut. This is an idea in which I firmly believe and, since it's being used as a colloquialism and not toward someone I love, I am willing to overlook it.
I have heard it among the "the kids" (yes, as in, what are the kids listening to these days?) who are too often witnesses in courts-martial, paralegals, or other Soldiers that I happen to encounter at various places on post. To these young people, I will politely correct them and tell them that word is not appropriate to use. Particularly the Soldiers will respect this, if for no other reason than I outrank them, but I have little confidence that my words make any impact on them, and I suspect that they will go back to throwing around The R Word once I am out of earshot.
Finally, I have heard it used quite casually among my peers. Yes - educated men and women tossing around the words "retard" and "retarded" as though it were just any other word in the English language. But it's not. And let me be perfectly plain here. They are not using the word (or one of it's variants) in what is probably the only socially acceptable way, which is to say "Cigarettes will retard your growth," or "That jacket is fire retardant." They are saying "That's retarded," or "He's such a retard."
Un-fucking-acceptable.
With my peers, I feel no need to sensor myself. I will tell them straight out, don't say that. It's offensive. You wouldn't say "You're such a fag," because that's a horrible and socially unacceptable thing to say. So why is it still acceptable to use The R Word as a pejorative? I have often been told to "relax," or that it's only offensive to me, or that I shouldn't be so fragile. This is all a load of crap. I am a special needs mom - I am anything BUT fragile, bitches. And it is individuals who continue to perpetuate slang like this, thus fostering an environment in which the next generation perpetuates it, that will someday cause The R Word to be thrown violently in my children's faces, all because someone, somewhere, couldn't think of a better word to express himself.
So, my challenge to you, friends, is to remove The R Word from your vocabulary. You may not even realize you say it, and maybe you have no ill will in mind. But for the sake of that friend or loved one you have who loves someone with special needs - or maybe you yourself love someone with special needs - just eliminate the word. As I said on Blog Inaguration Day, I don't seek to change the world. But it has to start somewhere. If everyone reading this eliminates The R Word from their world, and encourages others to do the same, then we can begin the change.
